Time Out, Control Freak

So I currently have a control freak in my life. Doesn't everyone? This person drives me crazy because they must be in complete control of everything that happens every.moment.of.the.day. Frequently, I just want to tell this person to go try to control someone else because, really, I am pretty over the whole control freak thing.
You do things your way, and let me do them mine.
The world will survive without you controlling every little aspect of everyone's life. Truly, it will.
Live and let live.
And frankly, if you don't stop fighting with me over every.single.thing, I am going to take away your bed time story.

Oh, did I mention that my control freak is a three-year-old?
Three year-olds are all about control. I know this because I have a master's degree, and they taught us things like this. I know it because I have attended many day long vacations where they feed you a lunch that does not consist of peanut butter and jelly and where you don't have to change a single diaper or wipe anyone's nose for an entire eight hours continuing education seminars on child development, and they have talked in depth about the control issues that three-year-olds have.  I also know that three-year-olds are all about control because I happen to have a three-year-old. Duh.

 In addition to my own first hand knowledge, I know that three-year-olds have control issues because I listen very closely to the pediatrician at well child visits when he gives me his "this is all developmentally appropriate" speech. I listen carefully because I keep hoping that somewhere in his wealth of knowledge, there will be an actual solution that involves something other than dragging a certain child up the stairs to their room four times a day for the past two years for age appropriate time outs. Wow--do you realize that's 2,880 time outs?  Huh. Isn't the idea that they learn from the consequences of their behavior? In what other realm of learning is it acceptable to have to do something 2,880 times before you get it? I mean, would we let someone take their driver's test 2,880 times? No, I don't think we would. I think we would cut them off somewhere around try 47, because if you haven't gotten it by then, I'm thinking you're probably just not going to get it. Go get yourself a bike helmet, pal. Do they let you take your SATs 2,880 times? Hmmm, probably not. I'm thinking that after about try 16, someone starts suggesting a fabulous technical school that would be just great for you.

And yet, from talking to friends, it seems that 2,880 time-outs is considered the lifetime average for three-year-olds (ok, fine, maybe my three-year-old is slightly higher than average in this area. What can I say? He's advanced). When it comes to discipline, though, the experts all seem to say the same things:
Just continue to be consistent.
Give them consequences.
And my personal favorite: Keep trying, and eventually he won't do these things anymore.

This is what this morning looked like with my little control freak:
"Mom, can I watch Sesame Street?"
"Sure!" I say as I turn it on.
"No! I don't want that! I want Rex Ruffman!"
"You need to ask nicely"
He does. I turn on Rex Ruffman.
"NO! I don't want that! I want Sesame Street!"
At this point, I turn off the tv and go back into the kitchen, where I stick my head into a sink full of dirty dish water, to drown out the screaming from the other room.

A short time later, my little control freak informs me that he needs a diaper. I stopped telling him that he needs to be use the potty some time ago, because this is, of course, an example of him exercising his control, and I decided not to play that game anymore. Besides, I was losing, and I got tired of cleaning pee off my kitchen floor.

So, as usual, I said "Ok, lets go upstairs and change you".
"NO! I don't want a diaper!"
"You need a diaper or your bum will hurt".
"NO! I don't need a diaper!"
"Ok, let me know when you do need one."
I walk back into the kitchen and resist the urge to stick my head under the dishwater again. I actually start washing dishes instead. And then I hear, "Now Mom! I need a diaper RIGHT NOW!".


In case you think I'm not being consistent, let me share some other tid bits from our morning. Very early this morning, before I had even had my fifth cup of coffee, I had a pretzel thrown at my head. A time out followed. Then, as I was once again on the phone with my favorite people at my cable company, someone emptied an entire bottle of dishwashing liquid onto the kitchen counter. As I calmly explained to said child that we wouldn't have money to buy cookies if I have to buy more dishwashing liquid, this person became angry at the mere possibilty of not having cookies, and attempted to push me. Another time out followed.  When said child returned, they grabbed a new box of Diet Pepsi off the counter, and threw it on the floor, spilling cans everywhere. There are things I will tolerate, but this type of behavior is unacceptable. We do not throw pretzels at people's heads. We do not push. And we most certainly do not mess with mommy's Diet Pepsi. So, of course, another time out followed.

So I think I'm pretty consistent, as far as I can tell. And yet the behavior continues. I keep thinking of the advice from all the experts. Be consistent. Give consequences. And, of course, keep trying, and eventually he won't do these things anymore.

I think that last bit of advice was from one of our pediatricians. I think back to our visits there, and I realize, maybe I misunderstood. After all, someone is usually screaming, and it's not always easy to focus on what the doctor is telling me. Maybe I heard him wrong. In fact, now that I think about it, he probably didn't say "Keep trying, and eventually he won't do these things anymore."

He must have said,
Stop crying. Eventually your control freak will turn four.