Hot Mess Housekeeper Returns

As NBO Momma is busy cleaning her trashed house, we have another column from the Hot Mess Housekeeper.

Dear Hot Mess Housekeeper:

My husband has gotten better lately about giving me a break so I can get away for a couple hours. But when I get home, the house is trashed. Any tips on how to keep things neater?

Sincerely,
Depressed at the Mess

Dear Depressed,

Shouldn't your husband be asking this question? Why do you think he isn't asking me? I'll tell you why.  Because he does not care. He is, presumably, a man, which means that your house could fall down around him and he wouldn't notice. As long as he can still get to the beer and beef jerky, it's a non issue for him. Yes, I realize this is a huge generalization, and one that is not very PC these days. If you want PC, go to Miss Manners. You came here for a solution, so here is the solution: Do not go home. No, I don't mean don't ever go home. Just don't go home until it's clean. Make him send you a picture of each room in its current state (aren't cell phones great?!) and do not go home until they meet your standards.

Don't think this will work? Here's the thing. Your husband will no doubt be proud of himself for giving you this "gift" of a few hours away. He will be thinking what a great husband he is. He will be thinking what a great husband you think he is. He will be thinking that it's only right that you will want to express your, um, gratitude. But, of course, you wouldn't want to be too tired. And--this is the part he needs to know- if you have to come home and clean the house, you're going to be really, really tired.

If that doesn't work, threaten to take his beer and beef jerky away.

Dear Hot Mess Housekeeper,

Recently I decided to have a girls' night at my house--you know, just a few girls getting sloshed in the basement  playing bunco. We had so much freakin fun a really nice time. We even had a fabulous baby sitter named Kiana stay with the kids upstairs and we  threatened them with bodily harm if they so much took a step downstairs had lots of entertainment for them there. But now I'm noticing a few things I didn't notice right away. There is something on my curtains. It might be tequila apple juice, but I'm not sure. There's also something in the carpet. I think it's margarita mix lemonade. And there also appears to be something like margarita salt kosher salt sprinkled around the room. Any idea how to get these things out? Oh, and if you happen to have any idea how to lengthen the cord on a ninja food processor, I would appreciate that, too. It's really hard to make kick @$$ margaritas guacamole when the cord is too short to reach the bar  table. Thanks for your help!

Sincerely,

Margarita Momma Suzy Homemaker

P.S...if you know how to get footprints off the coffee table, that would be helpful, too.


Dear, uh, Suzy,

Pretend you never sent me this letter. Destroy the evidence. Then, the next time your husband gives you a few hours away, make sure you have him take pictures of the, um, bunco room before you return home. Tell him you are not coming home until all those apple juice and lemonade stains are gone. Period. Tell him he'd better get the foot prints off the table. And he'd better lengthen the cord on the food processor, since the kids obviously found a way to shorten that, too. Tell him that, if you have to come home and do all of these things yourself, you are going to be really, really tired.

If that doesn't work, go find a nice quiet spot where you can sit for a while and relax. Preferably some place that sells apple juice. And lemonade. And where someone else makes the guacamole.

And don't forget the kosher salt.

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