Mommy Rules

When N was a baby and I was a full time stay-at-home mom beginning to feel my sanity slipping away, we joined a mom's group. It went OK for a while. We met a few moms we clicked with. We had play dates or group activities every week or so. And then, after about a year, I started to realize that there were a lot of rules. Rules, of course, can be a good thing. I'm all for rules. When you need them. But sometimes, some rules are just....a bit much. Even unnecessary, perhaps. Some people are really good at following rules. Some people are really good at enforcing rules. Yeah. I'm neither. So, eventually, because some of the rules were just incredibly dumb not really rules I could see myself following, I became a moms group drop-out. And no, in case you're wondering, I didn't leave because they wouldn't let me bring a pitcher of margaritas to meetings, though that was also an incredibly dumb a rule that I thought was probably unnecessary.

As our lives have changed, there is longer a need, or the time, to be part of a mom's group. I work part time, I have B and O, we have Jimmy's business, and N has friends from school and other activities. When possible, we get together with friends--either NBO's or mine. But mainly, because I have two children still at home all day and one in school, my days revolve around them, which often means a whirlwind of cooking, cleaning, laundry, bill paying, diaper changing, crying (them), cleaning some more, diaper changing some more, cooking some more, cleaning some more, crying (me), driving, homework, crying some more (them and me), cooking, and cleaning. OK, fine, some days there is some blogging in there...but I don't take lunch. Or dinner. Or, come to think of it, breakfast. Unless you count standing over the counter shoving whatever is for breakfast, lunch, or dinner in my mouth, as I tell everyone not to talk with food in their mouths.

I wouldn't mind so much, but at the end of the day, you wouldn't know that I have cleaned the same areas of my house four times, because those same areas are trashed again by bedtime. And, you wouldn't know that I spent a large chunk of my day cooking, since at eight o'clock, when they should be in bed, someone is, without fail, telling me that they're hungry--starving, even. Before anyone accuses me of complaining, let me say, I am not complaining. I am glad I "get" to be home with them and for them. But just because I'm where I want to be doesn't mean it's a walk in the park (though, some days, we do that, too).

So, occasionally, I do think it would be nice to have a "group" to belong to...one where people understand me and what my life is like, one where we can get together on a regular basis instead of the once every month or two that other friends and I manage to work into our schedules. One where we can sit around and drink mimosas coffee as our children play at our feet. But then I think, no, a group like that would have rules, and well, we know how I do with that. I wonder if I would have done well as a 50's housewife, when all the other moms were home, too, and would stop over each other's houses for Irish coffee in the morning. Then I realize that I never could have kept my house clean enough for people to just stop by whenever they want (not to mention, it could be nap time). And besides, didn't 50's housewives all know how to sew, or quilt, or crochet? Not that I'm against any of those things, of course, but I think there's a reason God wanted me to be born in the 70's.

Recently, I started rethinking what it is, exactly, that I'm looking for. Yesterday, I did something very brave and took B and O out to lunch with a friend, and my friend, who we'll call Mary Margarita for blogging purposes, came back to the house with us. I put B and O down for naps, and my friend and I sat outside, on an unseasonably warm January day, and, without the interruption of children, actually got to have a real conversation. And then, because it was an unseasonably warm January day, and my children were sleeping, and I didn't have to pick N up for a couple hours, we decided to have a Bud Light cup of tea. And, I thought, wow, it has been such a long time since I've sat outside in the middle of the day, without my children, and actually enjoyed a Bud Light cup of tea with a friend.  No, I did not have a second Bud Light cup of tea. Just the one. But it was a really, really good Bud Light cup of tea.

After Mary Margarita left, I started thinking not about the moms group from my past, who would have highly frowned upon a Bud Light cup of tea in the middle of the day, but about the one I have now. We don't have scheduled meetings, and our get togethers are generally pretty small--often only two adults, but sometimes as many as six kids. Five or six kids easily entertain each other, which frees up the moms to chat--at least until the five or six kids all start fighting, or ask if they can jump off the deck, or become obsessed with what else their hostess might have for them to eat, or start a competition to see who can jump off the bunk beds and land on their feet.

Other times, the only kids present are mine, as some friends have older kids, and can remind me that this, too, shall pass. Some are friends without kids who help me more than many moms could, because they've known me forever. Some live far away, but when they visit it feels like they've been here all along. Others I see hardly at all, but when they say "Thank you for writing that. I feel that way, too", it's almost as if they are sitting next to me. And, of course, some aren't friends, per se, but sisters, cousins, sisters-in-law and nieces--and a few are second moms to NBO. Some of us get together more than others, and some of us may not see each other nearly as much as we'd like, but I get way more out of my moms group than I ever could have gotten from the group with all the rules.

And the best part? There are no rules.

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