What Not to Expect...

I was recently going through old books and came across a book about what might happen in the first, oh, twelve months or so of your child's life. You might have heard of it.

 It was a good book. I found it helpful. Most of the time. But the things is, there were just a few things that weren't covered in as much detail as they could have been. Like oh, what not to expect.
And I happen to think that that part is important, too.

Don't expect to be free of poop for more than an hour. Holy...poop. Babies poop a lot. I had no idea how much they pooped. Newborns--especially breastfed newborns--poop up to 12 times a day. Though, some days, I swear mine pooped that much in an hour.

Speaking of breastfeeding, don't expect it to be easy. Seriously. It's a natural process. I thought that meant it should be easy. And not painful. Well. It is not easy. And it is painful. And those pumps. Wow. I never knew that I would get to have a baby, have five different women handle my nipples, and hook myself up to something that made me feel--quite literally-like a cow, all in under 48 hours. Oh, and don't expect that milk to be confined to the places you might think it's supposed to be. It will end up everywhere.

Don't expect your baby to sleep. At all. Ever. That way, if he/she does actually sleep for three twenty minute stretches a night, you will be pleasantly surprised. But let's be clear. Babies don't like to sleep at night. They like to nurse from your already sore nipples, thus contributing to your new self image as a cow. Oh sure, a few babies sleep at night. Allegedly. You've seen their moms...perky and chipper as they tell you that their sweet little newborn is a great sleeper. Here's the thing: those moms are delusional. In their own sleep deprived state, they don't know how long that baby really slept. In fact, they were likely  nursing in their sleep for most of the night and just have no memory of it because well, they are now moms,and for the next eighteen to twenty five years, they will have no memory of much of anything.


Do not expect that your second child will be anything like your first. God often sends us the mellow, mild mannered children first, in an attempt to trick us into having additional children. Then, bam!  Jokes on you. Of course, don't expect that this means you will love said child any less. You will still love him or her with all your heart. And you will still have moments of awe and wonder. Awe that you could actually be this exhausted, and wondering the heck you have gotten yourself into.

Do not expect that your easy child's temperament is due to the fact that you are a wonderful parent. You may be a wonderful parent. Or, like most of us, you may have moments of wonderful parenting that you pray cancel out the moments of really crappy parenting. But your child is not easy because you are wonderful. Because if he is, that means that the next child--the one who is not quite as easy--is that way because you suck as a parent. And, of course, we know that's not true.

Do not expect that you will remember every moment. You may want to, but you won't. Remember, you are sleep deprived, and you are a cow. Sleep deprivation isn't known for helping us remember things, and I'm pretty sure cows aren't known for their memories, either.

Do not expect to love every minute. You won't. It's OK.

Do not expect to have an actual adult conversation in which you sound articulate or intelligent for at least several months. If then.

Do not expect your house to ever again look the way it did before you had children. Trust me on this. It's much better if you just accept it now.

Do not expect to do everything perfectly. You won't. Get over it.

Do not expect this stage to last forever. It won't. Some day in the not so distant future, you will realize that you're not quite as tired as you used to be. You will realize that you no longer feel like a cow, and that your breasts belong to you again. Well, you and your belly button, since that is where they are hanging out these days. Do not expect them to look like they did before, unless you get a boob job. Sorry.

Do not expect the second year, or the third, to be drastically easier than the first. It will be different. It will be easier in some ways. It will be harder in others. It will still be exhausting. But expect to find comfort in the fact that you (usually) get to sleep through the night, and at least you're no longer a cow.

Do not expect your life to look like the Pampers commercials. And don't expect it to look like the life you had before you had kids. It is messier. And more exhausting. And sometimes more short tempered. There will be moments of baby bliss, but there will be many more moments of being up to your elbows in poop, being in awe that you could be this tired and still breathing, and wondering why you no longer own clothes without stains on them.

Most importantly, do not expect that any of this means it's not worth it.


It's worth every second.