The Hot Mess Housekeeper...Again...

Dear Hot Mess Housekeeper:

I am really excited to get one of those foam alphabet puzzle mats with the removable letters for the floor in our playroom. I think it will be great for the kids, and all the online reviews are great! Do you know how to keep them clean?

Thanks for your help!
Sincerely,
Excited


Dear Excited,

I will be glad to help! First, I think it's important that you know some of the history behind foam alphabet puzzle mats. For example, did you know that they were invented by Satan? I'm quite sure that he is the only one who could have created such an item. As for all of those glowing reviews, go back and check how old their little darlings were when the parents wrote those. I'll bet you a box of wine that the majority were under a year. Of course it seems like a great purchase then. Those sweet babies just roll around on the colorful mat, and their parents think how great it is that their little prodigy will learn the alphabet so young. They picture their little Sweet Pea graduating from Yale in 20 years or so, and they think, it all starts now, because we're exposing our future little Einstein to the foam alphabet puzzle mats.

Now let's fast forward a year or two. That kid is removing every letter and shape from that floor six times a day, using the letters as frisbees, and playing his own version of ring toss as he attempts to throw the shapes around his brother's head.  There won't be money for Yale, because his mother has spent that money on xanax, since she has just about lost her mind from picking up letters and shapes six times a day, and then trying to find which letter or shape goes where. Think you'll teach your kids to put the shapes back? You might. When they're twelve. Until then, it will be you. And I hope you did well in geometry, cause this is more than just circles and squares. Octagons, hexagons, pentagons--they're all there. Designed to make you lose your mind.

You should also keep in mind that when the shapes come out, there is now a hole in that spot. Over the years, alot of stuff gets in those holes, and down under the mat. Not only will you find an amazing amount of dirt under there, along with two dead crickets, some macaroni, and a toothbrush, but the color will come off some of the mats, and will leave an imprint of the letter I on the play room floor. Of course, the letter F would have been more appropriate, for the F in foam alphabet puzzle mat.

Oh, sorry--I didn't answer your question. The way you keep foam alphabet puzzle mats clean is to leave them in the damn store.

Hope this was helpful!


Dear Hot Mess Housekeeper:

I love for my kids to read, but they can't seem to leave books on the bookshelves and I get tired of picking them up all the time. Any ideas?

Sincerely,

Bibliophile

Dear Bibs,

I think it's so great that you want your kids to read. I, however, believe in starting small. So start with one book. When they can not only read that book, but can also put it back on the shelf without being told, they can have another. I know what you're thinking...you probably have way more than one book in your house, so what are you supposed to do with all the others? And I have the perfect solution for you. Use them to make a floor in your playroom. Who knows--it may help your little Sweet Peas get into Yale.


Have a question for the Hot Mess Housekeeper? Feel free to leave it in a comment below. I will do my best to answer it as soon as I'm done with my wine...or maybe a little sooner than that.