The Voices in My Head...

This morning, the kids and I got up early and went to a race at N's school. Afterwards, we went out for breakfast, and then to the bookstore, before shopping for a birthday gift. Since it was still early in the day and everyone was in a good mood, we decided to go to the park, and then to the grocery store.

I was quite proud of us. Until a few months ago, we wouldn't have been able to stay out that long, going into various public places, without someone having a meltdown (them), or needing a nap (usually them, maybe me), or starting to babble incoherently (usually me).

I was thinking how great it was that we could go almost an entire day without any major issues. I was thinking how much we'd been able to accomplish, and how much fun we were having together. And for once, when the cashier asked "Do you need any help on your way out today?", I didn't think "Yes! Please! Send someone home with us!"

As we left the grocery store, I was even thinking what amazingly well behaved children we have (today), as I buckled them into their car seats and headed for home.

But not before backing over the cart full of groceries I had forgotten to put into the car.

I'm not sure exactly what happened, but I think it had something to do with the voices I'd been hearing in my head all morning.

I hear them a lot. In fact, some days I hear them constantly.

They say seemingly innocuous things,  like "I need your help," and "I need more milk" and "I need you to wipe my bum". They say things like "I need help with my shoes" and "I can't find my socks", and "Can you please check my homework?"

Fortunately, they do usually say please, and increasingly, even thank you.

But the thing about statement like these--simple, harmless, statements that moms hear throughout their day--is that they are said all.the.time.

This particular morning--great as it had been --the kids were saying things like, "I don't know why I took my shoes off for the third time, Mom, but I need you to put them back on". Again. They said things like, "Why can't we have the other kind of pancake--the one with the smiley face on it? I don't want this pancake. I want that pancake". And things like,  "But why can't I get the book that I picked out first, instead of the one you want me to get?" (Because that book has the word tampon in it. And you're seven. The End). This particular morning, the voices weren't particularly irritating or annoying, but they were, as usual, non stop.

In fact, after a few hours, they seemed to be getting louder.

When the voices are non stop and seem to be getting louder, I do things like back over a cart full of groceries. Scrambled eggs and freshly squished squeezed orange juice, anyone?

Fortunately, the voices say other things, too. Adorable, funny things, Like "Does our dog Bella have a brain, Mom?" and "What about me? Do I have a brain?," and "I don't have a brain, Mom. Do you?"

No honey. Mommy lost her brain a long time ago.

There is another voice--one that speaks loudly at times--that wonders why motherhood is so hard sometimes. Why there is always so much to do. Why, no matter how much time I think I have, it is somehow never enough to get done what I wanted to get done.

One that wonders how so many mothers manage to make regular time to go to the gym, or to yoga, or for a massage, and why I can't seem to be one of them. But then that voice reminds me that, even if I did make time to go to the gym, or yoga, or for a massage, I would probably just go to Starbucks, and sit there with a latte and a book.

That voice knows me pretty well.

And then the voices say still other things.

Things that take my breath away.

"You're the only mommy I wanted, Mom", and ""Don't sing that song about me not needing you, because I really, really need you", and "You know, I think maybe God sent me to you so you wouldn't go crazy."

Beautiful things.

True things.

The thing is, no matter what they're saying, it's easy to get caught up in the voices. They can be a little distracting sometimes. A little overwhelming. So if you see me--or maybe someone like me-- running over a shopping cart, or trying to leave the bookstore without paying for our books, or maybe feeding the kids dessert disguised as pancakes at nine AM, remember that it's really not our fault.

It's just all those voices in our heads.

But sometimes, like after we get out of the car and smile sheepishly at the man who stops to help us pick up the shopping cart, and after we've loaded the groceries into the car and get back in, it's quiet for a moment.

Because this latest Mommy achievement has rendered even the children speechless.

And in that silence, there is yet another voice.

A voice that whispers, You are blessed beyond belief.

For you get to hear these voices.