Dear China...

First off, China, I have to say thank you.

Thank you for Chinese food. Egg rolls really are the best thing ever invented. Granted, I'm not always sure what's in them, and I know what people say about the mystery meat, but really, it's OK with me.

Just as long as it remains a mystery.

Thanks, too, China, for your beautiful children. I mean, it would be good if you would value the female ones a whole lot more, but hopefully you're working on that. I know people probably think I'm a stalker, but when I see a beautiful Chinese baby, I can't help myself. I want to ask if I can hold her. I want to ask how to pronounce her name in Chinese. I want to offer to baby sit. Yes, I realize that actually doing anything of those things would be, well, extremely weird, which is why I don't actually do them.

There are a couple other things I need to mention to you though. One, the made in China pieces of crap have got to end. I mean, enough already. Some people have wall to wall carpeting. We have wall to wall made in China pieces of crap. Please, just stop. And if you have to make stuff, at least make stuff that lasts, or that won't be recalled in three weeks due to lead paint, small parts, choking hazards, or potential exposure to typhoid. (Maybe if you had a few million more women in your country, they could help you figure out how to make stuff that actually lasts, and people would stop referring to it as made in China pieces of crap.They would refer to them as Authentic Handmade Crafts from China instead).

Lastly, stink bugs. Please. I don't know why you ever decided to send them here. Maybe they snuck in with a shipment of made in China pieces of crap, but really, enough already. Those things are everywhere, and they have got to go. I have a four year old who wants to keep every one he sees as a pet, and a two year old who wakes up screaming at night if he so much as thinks there's one in the house. How do you think that's working for us?

Yeah, not so well.

I realized the role you play in our lives last night, China, at about 2 AM, as I got up to assure a certain two year old that there weren't any stink bugs in our house. On my way to his room, I tripped over several made in China pieces of crap, and then when I actually found a stink bug on his wall, I was thinking that one of those made in China pieces of crap would have made a really good stink bug smoosher.

Except that I heard that you shouldn't smoosh stink bugs because well, they stink.

Go figure.

So instead, at 2 AM, I was gently picking up a stink bug with a tissue, and attempting to walk him to the bathroom, when I tripped over more made in China pieces of crap.

Then I flushed his ass down the toilet.

I think we need to work out a deal. For every one thousand pieces of made in China pieces of crap you send here, we'll send you five thousand stink bugs. I think it's only fair. Alternately, maybe they can be incorporated into the mystery meat in some of those restaurants.

Please, just keep them out of the egg rolls.