Dear Snookie...

Dear Snookie

I recently heard that you're writing a book. I'm not sure what it's about, but I'm guessing its about..well, being Snookie. Cause really...what else could it be about? I'm assuming there will be a book tour involved. But wait..aren't you having a baby? How do you go on a book tour with a baby?
Oh, nevermind, I'm sure you'll work it out.

I just hope you don't leave the baby with that greasy looking guy with the muscles. You know the one I mean, right? I think I saw on a tabloid cover that you and he had...well, you know. Oh wait, maybe that was the other greasy looking guy with the muscles. Sorry, Snookie, I just cant keep them straight.

It would probably help if I actually watched your show. But I gotta tell you, I just can't do it. I tried.  Once. Maybe twice. And honestly, Snooks, it depressed me. It just wasn't entertaining, though it was educational, in a what-the-hell-has-our-country-come-to kind of way. Don't get me wrong. I think trash TV definitely has its place, and I have been known to lock myself in my basement to hang with the Real Housewives of New Jersey on occasion, but mainly because their kind of crazy makes me feel much much better about my own kind of crazy. Nothing about your kind of crazy made me feel better about my own kind of crazy. Your kind of crazy just made me want to take a shower.

So, as I was saying, I'm sure there's a book tour coming up, and if you don't mind, I'd like to ask you a huge favor.

Please stay far away from our town.

It's not you personally. It's just that my kids are getting older, and if they saw people lined up in front of the book store to see you, they would ask what your book is about. And I'm thinking that after I tell them it's about being Snookie, and they ask what a Snookie is, I wouldn't know what else to say. You see, I'm trying to teach them that books can help them learn all about the world, and that people buy books because they believe the author has something of value to say. If they saw, say, Maya Angelou signing books, I could tell them that she's an amazing author and poet who writes about all kinds of things, including equality, and history, and acceptance. If they saw you signing books, I'm just not sure what I could possibly tell them except...Oh, look...it's Snookie. Signing her book about...nookie.

I'm sure you can see why this just wouldn't work. As I said, it's not personal. I would tell those Kardashian sisters the same thing if they were writing a book. I mean, how do I explain to my children that those people are famous because they made sex tapes, have fake weddings, and have a mother who pimps them out to Playboy? OK, so I admit it. I actually watched their show a few times, just until I saw the part where their mom pimps them out to Playboy. Then I had to turn it off, because I needed to take a shower.

I'm sure you can see where I'm coming from. I mean, you're going to be a mom soon, too.

So from one mom to another, please, no book tour stops for us.

If you decide to come here anyway, please just let me know.

I'll be in the shower.