What We Shouldn't Have to Expect When We're Expecting...

It's amazing how a few years and a few children can change things.

Like the reactions you get when people learn that you're expecting.

When you're pregnant with your first child in your thirties, people are generally eager to share in your happiness, your excitement, and your joy.

Second child, pretty much the same thing. If maybe to a slightly lesser degree.

At the third child, a few people start to question your sanity. Some feel a need to clarify that you are, in fact, over thirty-five, right? But most people still seem to manage a heartfelt "Congratulations!" Or, you know, at least it seems heartfelt.

When you're over forty and expecting your fourth child, some people are still generally happy for you, and truly excited on your behalf.  They offer appropriate congratulations, and ask when you're due, and comment that the kids must be excited.

And sometimes, behind their kind words, you can see the look in their eyes that says "I am so, so, so, so incredibly happy that this is happening for you.....instead of happening to me".

And that's OK. Because we get it. We know that this isn't for everyone, and that some people feel strongly about having a certain number of children, or about being done by a certain age, or about not having more children than bedrooms. It's fine, because that's their choice. And it's also fine because, in spite of their own feelings, they don't actually say them out loud.

But then there are the others. And trust me when I tell you--they are a lot of the others. In fact,
the others seem to come out of the woodwork when you're over forty and expecting your fourth child. The others lose all concern for normal social graces, and completely forgo silly things like tact, and privacy, and boundaries.

Sometimes we know the others quite well. At other times, we barely know them at all. It's hard to say which type surprises us more. It's safe to say, however, that nothing that people say is surprising us very much at all at this point.

Here are just a few things that we really shouldn't have to expect when we're expecting:

Was it planned/a surprise/an accident?

I can assure you that none of our children--or anyone else's--are accidents. As for the other versions of this question, on what planet would this be any of your business?

Did you talk about it?

What does this even mean, and why would you ever think to actually ask it out loud? Please see the above response.

Do you know how old you are?

Yes. We do. But thanks for checking. Also, it's 2014, and Barack Obama is president. Oh, and apparently stupid people still exist. Did we pass the test?

What were you thinking?

Oh, this could be fun. Are we going to talk about all of your life choices next? Cause there are a few things from 1997 I've been dying to ask you about. I mean, what were you thinking?

Have you lost your mind?

Nope. Not yet. Maybe I will when I have a fourth child. Or the next time someone asks me a rude, obnoxious question. Guess we'll find out.

Are you going to have more after this? Because people will definitely think you're the grandparents then.

Thanks for this. It's so helpful. Are you going to continue talking after this? Because people will definitely think you're an idiot then.

In addition to the above, we shouldn't have to expect that you're going to give us condolences, tell us you really have no idea how we're going to do it, or tell us repeatedly that you just can't believe it. If you can't manage to keep your (baseless and unwelcome) opinions on other people's family size to yourself, feel free to walk away without saying anything at all.

Unless you are being asked to care for or financially support someone's child, other people's family planning is, quite simply, none of your business. Once someone is pregnant, you are also not talking about a hypothetical pregnancy that may occur at some future date. You are talking about an actual baby who already exists. Most of us maternal types tend to get a little offended when people insinuate that one of our children shouldn't be in existence.

On the other hand, here's what we should be able to expect to hear when we're expecting:

Congratulations!

I'm so happy for you.

You're so blessed.

Because we are.

The end.

(OK, so that wasn't really the end. The above recommendations--also known as "How to Mind Your Own Damn Business"-- also apply to conversations with people who have no children, only children, children ten months apart, children ten years apart, or ten children. Unless said child is a)yours, b) left on your doorstep, or c) the recipient of your physical, emotional, and/or financial support, you don't get an opinion).

The end. For real this time.