Election Day...

As we were finally getting ready to leave the house this morning, I told B that I had to go vote. I explained that grown ups get to vote for who the next President will be, and that the person who gets the most votes wins.

"Really?" He asked. He was obviously fascinated by our electoral process. "And then do they get a trophy?"

"No trophy", I tell him as I search for his other shoe. "But they get to live in the White House".

"Wow! That is so cool!" With both shoes finally on, he runs off to share this exciting news. "O! Did you know where the President gets to live? He gets to live in the LIGHT HOUSE!"

I decide that I will clarify this bit of mis-information at some other time, and we go run a few errands and eventually make it to the Senior Center so I can vote. There are only ten or fifteen people in front of us. I think we'll be through this line in no time, which is particularly good since we're now an hour past nap time. As we wait in line, I give them the lollipops that the nice lady at the bank gave us, thinking this will keep them occupied for a few minutes.

Six minutes, to be exact. At which point we've hardly moved in this line.

Eventually, we move into the voting room, which is the Senior Center's gym. B and O are in the stroller, but getting restless. They are hitting each other in the head with their lollipop sticks, and starting to get louder. N is standing next to me, rolling her eyes.

For some reason, this line is moving much more slowly now. We stand in one place forever. B and O are laughing, and screaming, and kicking. I realize that giving them the lollipops before we came in probably wasn't the best idea I've ever had. I whisper for them to be quiet. I threaten to take their legos away. When that doesn't work, I tell them that if they can be quiet until we leave, I will take them for ice cream.

"Ice cream!" B yells, "But Mom, why would you get us ice cream today?"

I'm not sure why he's suddenly questioning my motives, but I decide to answer his question in hopes that he will stop talking.

"Because, I'm bribing you". I whisper.

"You're what?" he asks. "You're whating me?"

"I'm bribing you, B. It's called bribery". I am still trying to whisper, but then he asks me again, and I raise my voice a little to be heard over O's screaming.

"It's BRIBERY".

Only, O has stopped screaming. And I have just loudly said the word "Bribery" in the voting room. I'm waiting for an election official to come over, but instead, they just stare at us, along with most of the people in line.

I notice two little boys a few people in front of us. They are only slightly older than B and O. One of them is wearing a Spiderman mask, and I realize what a great idea that is. I'm wishing I wore mine, too.

Their mother is staring at B and O, who are much louder and more rambunctious than her sons. I know she is smugly thinking that she is happy that hers are so much better behaved. I'm thinking I should tell her that something is clearly wrong with them, and maybe she needs to have them checked for low testosterone.

B and O are now getting louder again, and B starts yelling "Adopt me! Adopt me! Adopt me!" over and over and over again. O soon joins in. I have no idea where they heard this, but I'm thinking it might not be a bad idea. They are cracking themselves up. "Hey O! Adopt me!" B yells. O laughs and responds "No, you adopt me!"

I have to admit, its just a little bit funny. But no one else is laughing.

We are finally getting to the front of the check in line. It's finally our turn. Only when I start to push the stroller to the table, the man holds up his hand and tells me to wait. Apparently they're not ready to check anyone else in yet.

An elderly lady with a cane walks in front of us, up to the check in table, and says "I can't wait". And they help her. Because she's elderly, and she has a cane. And she can't wait.

Makes sense to me.

Except, well,  what about me? Do I look like I can wait? So she has a cane. I have a stroller. She is old. I feel old. She needs to sit down. I need a bottle of tequila.

It seems to me we both have valid reasons to get the hell out of this line, no?

A lady at the check in table reads my mind and waves me over.

B and O are screaming again. She smiles stiffly.

 "Is this the line for the day care drop off?" I ask
.
She smiles, and tries not to laugh--I think election volunteers are supposed to maintain their full composure at all times--but she laughs anyway. Thank God someone has a sense of humor in this place.

We go wait in another line. B and O have stopped laughing, and are now looking around. They are quiet for a minute, and I think maybe the worst is over, when B yells "Hey O! Want to pick the next President? Who should we pick?"

I pray they haven't overheard me talking at home, and aren't about to announce to this whole room who I am voting for.

 It turns out that I didn't need to worry about that. Instead, B looks around and points to a young guy nearby and loudly says "How about him, O? The guy in the blue sweatshirt? You want him to be our President?"

The guy in the blue sweatshirt doesn't laugh. Sure, like I'm ever gonna vote for him. Clearly, he has no sense of humor.

We wait in line some more, and B and O get louder and louder. I have given up trying to stop them. Nothing is working. I notice a sign on the wall that the seniors must use when they do aerobics. It's a chart to tell you how hard you're working. At the bottom, in red, in bold letters, says "Maximum Exertion".

And I think Yes, exactly. That's exactly how hard I am working at this very moment, to maintain my sanity.

B drops his legos and they go flying. He starts to cry. I look around to see where they went. They are under people's feet. People step over them. They step around them. No one, however, makes an attempt to actually pick one up.

I gather the legos, give them to B, and pray that someone finishes in the voting booth so that it can be our turn.

B and O start laughing again. Loudly.

I can feel peoples stares on my back. I wish again that I had that Spiderman mask and then I decide that I don't care. I turn around and attempt to make eye contact with every single one of them.

And I smile.

As I think "Bite me".

Cause it's a free country.

And I get a vote.